Breaking News: Heidi Montag Is An Ugly Blow-Up Doll (& ‘Celebrity Rehab’ Reject)

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Heidi Montag may be an ugly blow-up doll, but (sadly?) she won’t be checking into Season 5 of Dr. Drew Pinsky‘s Celebrity Rehab.

Heidi Montag: ‘Celebrity Rehab’ Reject

Thanks to X17, rumors have been swirling that Clown-Boobs would be joining the other wannabe-celebs at Dr. Famewhore Drew’s Camp for Useless Nobodies Craving Attention for Their Problems* to overcome her addiction to pain pills.

It’s a good thing High-di has the BEST PUBLICIST EVER, Spencer Pratt!! He advised her to squash these rumors, stat, so that she could simultaneously throw in a shameless plug for a movie she made a five-second cameo** in. BRILLIANT, right?!?

Thus, Heidi made the following statement to PEOPLE:

No, I’m not joining the cast, I’m actually on my way to see Just Go With It for the first time.

Good statement, Heidi, thanks for the info!

Heidi Montag’s (Alleged) Addiction To Pain Killers

Make no mistake: Heidi Montag Pratt Montag Pratt is addicted to pain killers,*** she just doesn’t really feel like quitting, just yet. Here is a list of other vices she’s not quite ready to give up:

  1. Bicycle tire pumps. Gotta keep those boobies fully inflated to basketball size!
  2. Creepy, flesh-colored beards****
  3. Pretending not to be completely useless
  4. Alerting the paparazzi to her every move, in the hopes that someone might put her picture in a magazine again. (They won’t.)
  5. Continuous surgeries to make sure her face and body get a little bit uglier every day.

Don’t worry, Heidi, I’ll post your picture in here. I know you could really use the publicity right now.

Heidi Montag Celebrity Rehab
I’m ready, Spence!

*Fun fact: This is the longest TV show title ever.

**I do not know, nor do I care, how long Heidi’s cameo in Just Go With It actually lasted.

***I do not currently have any concrete evidence to prove that Heidi Montag/Pratt is addicted to pain killers or any of the other vices listed, but I think it’s fairly obvious that these are facts.

****Shout-out to Joel McHale!

More Heidi Montag ‘Celebrity Rehab News:

  • Heidi Montag Joins Celebrity Rehab Season 5” — X17
  • Heidi Montag: I’m Not Joining the Cast of Celebrity Rehab” — PEOPLE
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Filed Under: Gossip, TV