Just when you think Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux couldn’t possibly get more “blah” … they wear these matchy-matchy black and white ensembles to some boring event at the Beverly Hilton. (In case you’re just dying to know, the humdrum event in question was the 26th Annual American Cinematheque Awards on November 15, 2012 – bet you’re so glad we told you, right?).
Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux Are, Like, So Boring, You Guys
Even the J-Squad themself finds it utterly laughable that people are interested in their dull, droll lives.
Jennifer Aniston’s Old Man Glasses
The only almost-interesting part of the night was when Jen-Jen popped on some old-man reading glasses. If she weren’t the Queen of Drab, we’d say she stole them off some sad hipster-bitch in Silver Lake; but we all know she just bought them at Duane Reade, or wherever-the-crap rich people go to buy ugly reading glasses.
And Now: The Penguin Portion of Tonight’s Event
While preparing for this yet-another-underwhelming-night in their vanilla lives, Jennifer and Justin were all, “What the hey; if we’re gonna dress like a matchy-matchy penguin couple, we might as well take red carpet posing lessons from real-life penguin couples, right? Riiiiiiiight?” And that’s probably the most titillating thought this tiring twosome has ever thunk.
Worry not, PETA — no penguins were harmed during Jennifer and Justin’s dreary night, and everyone was tucked safely in bed by 8pm.
Ok, just kidding; this penguin decided to end his life and hurled his little body off a cliff, as he could no longer face living a life afflicted by the snooze-fest that is Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.
Those other penguins didn’t even try to stop the suicidey lil’ guy; they just patiently waited for their turns to end their sad lives of misery, made unbearable by the intolerable Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.
So sad.
OMg!!! you have so hateeee in your heart and feel so well writing these kind of words. YOU ARE SAD, Jen and Justin are a beautiful, happy and funny couple!
Pray to God, CLEAN YOUR HEART
Dear Anonymous,
Do you know Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux personally? You must, as you seem to know very intimate details of their relationship. Perhaps, since you’re so clearly a close, personal friend of theirs, you can get them to change their boring ways, so that we might put an end to these tragic penguin suicides, once and for all.
One thing is certain: we will pray to God that you take what we’ve said to heart, as these senseless penguin deaths MUST BE STOPPED.
Thanks for reading Hot Shiitake, LYLAS, SWAK, etc.,
Debra Krein
hahahaa it was very funny, i love the way you write